Jokesareus

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 02:21:00 +0000

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Lessons in Logic

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 03:57:00 +0000

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

.............................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

........................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

........................................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.......................................................................

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

........................................................................

Behind every successful man, there
is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

........................................................................

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

........................................................................

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.......................................................................

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

........................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

........................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

........................................................................

There should be a better way to
start a day
Than waking up every morning

........................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

........................................................................

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

........................................................................

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends. J

...........................................................................................

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.......................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.......................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

........................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

........................................................................

Santa Singh competes with Harvard, Yale, Oxford

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 03:52:00 +0000

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, Oxford
university and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed
for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER:
WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than
light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.

Oxford guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked)
"WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in
my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK,BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!! __._,_.___

Sardar Jee Jokes

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 04:43:00 +0000

A Sardar photographer was focusing a dead body's face in a funeral
function, when suddenly everyone present there started beating him.
Why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth..................
WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"

A Sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper was
leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: But it's raining outside.
Sardar: So what, take an umbrella and go.

Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
Sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10

A Teacher lecturing on population In India, every 10 sec. a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up we must find & stop her!.

A man asked a Sardarji
Why does Manmohan Singh go for a walk in the evening & not in the
morning.
Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

A Sardar visits a Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN and dies.
Sardar goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last words.
It is 'YOU ARE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!"

Get Back to WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Fri, 12 May 2006 14:45:00 +0000

Ever Wondered 1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call
it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does
terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when
it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is
it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then
why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person
and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Humans
???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you
reading this???

Get Back to WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The "Euro-English"

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 06:27:00 +0000

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey
vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

The "Euro-English"

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 06:27:00 +0000

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 16:18:00 +0000

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I

guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download

from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered

that

neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the

delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her

operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from
a
self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine

months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

Sexercise

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 04:40:00 +0000

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but
until now nobody had made a scientific study of the calorie content
of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research the results are in:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent = 12 Calories
Without her consent = 2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands = 8 Calories
With one hand = 12 Calories
With your teeth = 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection = 6 Calories
Without an erection = 3315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris = 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot =
4092 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary = 12 Calories
69 lying down = 78 Calories
69 standing up = 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow = 216 Calories
Doggy Style = 326 Calories
Italian chandelier = 2912 Calories (What the heck?)

ORGASMS:
Real = 112 Calories
Fake = 1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging = 18 Calories
Getting up immediately = 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately = 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years = 36 Calories
30-39 years = 80 Calories
40-49 years = 124 Calories
50-59 years = 1972 Calories
60-69 years = 7916 Calories
70 and over = Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly = 32 Calories
In a hurry = 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door = 5218 Calories With your wife
knocking at the door = 13,521 Calories

Sexy One liners

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 04:08:00 +0000

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Wipe The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down On
A Jeep]

Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got it.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Pakistani Hell

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Sun, 25 Dec 2005 08:25:00 +0000

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Pakistani hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

What Drives a turtle

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 16:39:00 +0000

Ever wonder what 'drives' a turtle?
Don't take your eyes off the shell.....

Guess the answers ...

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Tue, 20 Dec 2005 17:18:00 +0000

Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

man 1. ------------
board

Ans. = man overboard

stand 2. ------------
i

Ans. = I understand

OK?.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fair?

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

Ans. = reading between the lines

4. r road a d

Ans. = cross road

5. cycle cycle cycle

Ans. = tricycle

0 6. ------------ M.D.
Ph.D.

Ans. = two degrees below zero

knee 7. ------------
light

Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)

ground 8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet

Ans. = six feet underground

9. he's / himself

Ans. = he's by himself

10. ecnalg

Ans. = backward glance

11. death ..... life

Ans. = life after death

12. THINK

Ans. think big !!

And the last one is real fundoo ..

13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....

Ans. long time no 'C' (see)

Read what happened to Bill Gates after death

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:40:00 +0000

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'mnot sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"

Why Women Talk So Much ???

khurramali@hotmail.com (Khurram Ali) — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 21:13:00 +0000

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more thanmen. He showed her a study that reported that men use an averageof 15,000 words a day, but women use 30,000 words a day.

The wife promply told him that women usetwice as many words because they have torepeat everything they say to men.

Looking stunned, the husband said,"What?"

"Women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men!"