An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.



Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:


Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Lessons in Logic

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........


.............................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

........................................................................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

........................................................................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.......................................................................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

........................................................................

Behind every successful man, there
is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

........................................................................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

........................................................................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.......................................................................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

........................................................................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

........................................................................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

........................................................................


There should be a better way to
start a day
Than waking up every morning

........................................................................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

........................................................................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

........................................................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends. J



...........................................................................................




If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.......................................................................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.......................................................................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

........................................................................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


........................................................................

Santa Singh competes with Harvard, Yale, Oxford

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, Oxford
university and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed
for a prestigious job. One common question was asked to all 4 of them.

INTERVIEWER:
WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than
light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.

Oxford guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked)
"WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in
my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK,BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!! __._,_.___

Get Back to WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever Wondered 1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call
it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does
terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when
it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is
it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then
why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person
and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Humans
???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you
reading this???

Get Back to WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The "Euro-English"

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey
vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

The "Euro-English"

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey
vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I

guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download

from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered

that

neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the

delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her

operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from
a
self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine

months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

Sexercise

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but
until now nobody had made a scientific study of the calorie content
of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research the results are in:


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent = 12 Calories
Without her consent = 2187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands = 8 Calories
With one hand = 12 Calories
With your teeth = 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection = 6 Calories
Without an erection = 3315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris = 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot =
4092 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary = 12 Calories
69 lying down = 78 Calories
69 standing up = 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow = 216 Calories
Doggy Style = 326 Calories
Italian chandelier = 2912 Calories (What the heck?)

ORGASMS:
Real = 112 Calories
Fake = 1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging = 18 Calories
Getting up immediately = 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately = 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years = 36 Calories
30-39 years = 80 Calories
40-49 years = 124 Calories
50-59 years = 1972 Calories
60-69 years = 7916 Calories
70 and over = Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly = 32 Calories
In a hurry = 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door = 5218 Calories With your wife
knocking at the door = 13,521 Calories

Sexy One liners

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Wipe The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down On
A Jeep]

Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got it.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder