Sexercise

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but
until now nobody had made a scientific study of the calorie content
of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research the results are in:


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent = 12 Calories
Without her consent = 2187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands = 8 Calories
With one hand = 12 Calories
With your teeth = 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection = 6 Calories
Without an erection = 3315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris = 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot =
4092 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary = 12 Calories
69 lying down = 78 Calories
69 standing up = 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow = 216 Calories
Doggy Style = 326 Calories
Italian chandelier = 2912 Calories (What the heck?)

ORGASMS:
Real = 112 Calories
Fake = 1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging = 18 Calories
Getting up immediately = 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately = 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years = 36 Calories
30-39 years = 80 Calories
40-49 years = 124 Calories
50-59 years = 1972 Calories
60-69 years = 7916 Calories
70 and over = Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly = 32 Calories
In a hurry = 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door = 5218 Calories With your wife
knocking at the door = 13,521 Calories

Sexy One liners

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Wipe The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down On
A Jeep]

Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got it.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder